Dead or Alive
by Raiha-chan
Summary: Death fic. No specific characters (original, anime...think what you will). No happy fic here.


Dead or Alive ****

Dead or Alive

By: Raiha-chan

Warnings: Death fic.

Notes: This is an original fic, set exactly the day before the narrator dies. Think of this like a journal entry.

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Sometimes, it makes me wonder why I'm still alive. There were times when I'd sit on the bathroom floor, holding the sharp blade of the razor against my too-pale skin. I find it all too fascinating; the blood that seeps through the narrow wound.

I would sit for hours (or so I thought) right there in the bathroom, just watching the crimson liquid continue to pour out until it runs dry, if at all.

Then I'd hear his voice.

My otouto always manages to find me before my lifeline truly snaps. If I believe in guardian angels at all, I would really believe that he is my guardian angel. He is the only thing that keeps me from entering death's door.

He's also the only family I have. My parents are always on businesses that I rarely see them. They are complete strangers to me. True, they DO come home once in a while. But even then, they lock themselves up in their studies and refuses to see anyone, save for the servants who only come when beckoned.

Then, there were the fights. My parents are always fighting. Sometimes, I wonder why they're still together if they can't seem to get along at all. Their fights would get so out of hand sometimes that my darling little otouto would come to my room and cry his eyes out. I would hold him until he falls asleep then let some of my own tears fall.

__

Oba-chan told me that boys shouldn't cry. That they should be strong. I want to be strong, too. Just like onee-sama!

Strong… That's right. I have to be strong. If not for my sake, then for my brother's.

+++++

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Onee-sama, you're hurt! Nana! Onee-sama is hurt! Please come help!

He was six years old when he first found me in the bathroom, trying to slit my wrist again. I remember his eyes so clearly… Those cerulean blue eyes looked at me with such fear in it.

Ever since, I've tried to tell myself that I can't die yet. That I have to be there for him because no one else will. I couldn't possibly leave him alone, not when he's still so young and have never been exposed to the world yet.

But I failed. Time and time again, I would hold that sharp edge to my wrist, entranced by the liquid pouring forth. I would fall into such a deep trance. But I've always woken up to my brother's desperate cries.

He asked me why once. But I simply laid a hand on his cheek and told him that he was still too young to understand.

__

Then I want to grow up quicker so I can understand onee-sama!

+++++

I fell in love last year. We were happy together. That is, until I realized that he's only after the wealth and fame my family name provides. To double the pain, I also found out that he's been cheating on me the whole time.

That was the final straw. The thin line between life and death finally snapped.

But perhaps God wanted me to suffer some more. I remember waking up in a hospital room, with my brother sleeping peacefully in a chair beside my bed. I also remember the stinging slap I received later.

__

Look at your daughter! Killing herself like that! Had you been a better mother…!

ME?! When did YOU ever been a good father to her?!

It seems that I've only added more fuel to the fire. Their fights grew worse and worse each day, until finally, they couldn't stand it any longer. They officially filed a divorce a year later and split me and my brother up. My brother was to continue living with my father, while I was to move away with my mother.

We didn't get along, though, my mother and I. I didn't think we would. Sometimes, she would look at me with such hatred and bitterness in her eyes and only because of the great resemblance I share with my father.

I see my brother once a month, but sometimes, I couldn't see him for months and months to come. But we always talk on the phone. Then one day, I found out that my father and brother were to move to America. How long, they don't know. It was a business trip, my father said.

__

Onee-sama, are you going to miss me?

Of course.

I never saw him for two full decades.

+++++

I was 35 years old when I saw him again. There he was, all grown up, with a toddler in tow. I saw my father outside looking in, too. My mother stood next to him. They were quite and not arguing for once. I didn't really care whether or not they will start arguing. I was more focused on the fact that I could see my brother again, after so long. I had begun to think I'd never be able to see him ever again.

__

You look good.

Don't lie to me. I know very well I look anything but 'good'.

We talked for hours, from sunup to sundown. He told of what's happened in the past 20 years, how he met his wife and even showed me a picture of her.

__

She's pretty. Very lucky, too.

How so?

To have such a sweet and endearing husband like you.

Onee-sama…

The kid looked like a younger version of him, with the difference that he had large brown eyes instead of blue. He was afraid of me at first (probably because I looked so horrible) but warmed up to me soon enough.

__

And you? Mother said that you married a good man and have two children already.

So I did…

The conversation stretched on 'til midnight. Visiting hours was already over but the little brat managed to coax the nurses into staying longer. But he did tell father to take the young child home to bed.

__

When I was small, I used to beg otou-sama to take me back to onee-sama, but he never did. Then oka-sama called us two weeks ago and told us the news. I had decided that, whether or not otou-sama allows me to, I would come back. No matter what.

You shouldn't disobey your father like that.

It doesn't matter anymore now. I'm an adult; I can make my own decisions.

True enough.

We talked of silly things. He never slept nor leave my side, unless it's for a short bathroom run. Even then, he'd always looked at me with this look, as if thinking that once he turns his back, I will be gone.

Foolish little boy.

After all, he can only stay by my side for so long.

****

~End~


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